What do you really know about me?
Well, I can tell you that I’m by default a control freak. I say ‘by default’ the same way it’s a given fact that we all have a bad side and a good side, but choose to be good. I was a lovely girl, yes, but I can say that disappointment alone turned me into a control freak.
I’m one of those people who believes all children are born good and balanced and it’s society or life (or whatever your personal bad experience was) that makes us progressively bitter, sad or with a hidden compulsive disorder or two. Of course no one likes to admit this, but most us are a bit mental now and again.
Take Bree, for example, the cleaning addict from “Desperate Housewives” (TV series), she’s a control freak. If I wasn’t already controlling my compulsion, I would like to be like her. To have my house always perfectly clean and neat; to be the perfect cook; to be an independent and strong business woman… but I can’t. I must have my compulsion under control.
Of course, I’m a self-diagnosed control freak, or I wouldn’t be able to joke about it in here: my blog had to be perfect and reflect a perfect writer. But because I have learned that the best cure is laughter, lets see if you have some of my freakishness:
1. I don’t like an-announced visits because I don’t have time to clean and organize my house properly in advance or, if the house is okay, I have to put my plans on hold until they leave — solution: I leave my husband to deal with them while I try to focus on a book or television, talk only when necessary and wait;
2. To have my husband call me at last-minute telling me he will be out with his friends from work and doesn’t know when he’ll be back, leaves me feeling insecure — solution: I told him to keep going out for a beer straight from work until I got used to it (and I did);
3. Until the middle of last year, whenever I started reading a book I had to finish it, even if I discovered, few pages into it, that it was crap — solution: my books are usually borrowed from the library, if I don’t like them anymore I return them at once;
These are just some examples. Other characteristics of my compulsion tend to confuse me into whether a cure is the best solution, or if being in control of everything makes for a useful and much-needed trait. Those include confirming tasks that are others’ responsibility, even when they tell me they took care of it (when I stop, usually bad things happen, like my husband forgetting his laptop charger in a hotel in Abu Dhabi !) or stressing over an invitation to go out that it’s done last-minute and only leaves me with 20 minutes to finish what I was doing OR dress up (if I can only choose one I tend to disregard any self-esteem).
The good thing is, I’ve realized the source of my stress and how my control freakishness was in fact controlling my life and my ability to live in the moment. Now I try to override it and say YES whenever possible: yes, I want to go out with you !!; yes, go with your friends and have fun !!; yes, of course you can come over… (although I would love if you didn’t).
It has given me many regrets, still, especially because we meet so many freaky people nowadays when we say yes! to everything… but you know what? Freaks make great fictionalized characters! (Although I still wouldn’t want you in my house an-announced…).
Note To Self: Must see movie “Yes, Man” again.